Numb
by storiestomakeyousmile
Summary: idk


p style="text-align: center;"span style="text-decoration: underline;"Numb./span/p  
p style="text-align: left;"span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$0:0"Most people cry when it comes to death. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$1:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$2:0"It's expected, it's all your emotions breaking out of your mind, seeping from your skin in the form of salty tears. But I didn't cry. I didn't shed a single tear when my brother died. Not a single salt droplet escaped from my eye as I watched the blood pool around him, more on the concrete than I ever thought there was in his body. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$3:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$5:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$6:0"He was only seventeen, and I was fifteen. I still get looks, disapproving, judgemental, almost disgusted glances from family members I've long since forgotten. My mother couldn't look at me, and my dad spoke a mere sentence to me; "he was your brother, your best friend."/spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$7:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$8:0"I didn't say anything to him, and I didn't say anything on the car journey home. I just watched as the rain trickled down the car window, the little water balls racing each other. Wondering for all the world why people perceived me as cynical all because I couldn't produce one of those pathetic droplets. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$9:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$11:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$12:0"What they don't know, what no-one knows, is that grief can be taken in a number of ways. I didn't weep, I wouldn't weep, because my brother deserved more than bodily fluids that represent emotion. I'd have been ashamed of myself if I had cried, not that I had the energy to anyway. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$13:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$15:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$16:0"My brother was my energy. He was my sweat, blood and hard work. He was my fuel. He was why I had kept going through the countless times I'd wanted to give up. And when I saw the fuel in his eyes die, a part of me died too. And you cannot cry at your own death. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$17:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$19:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$20:0"When everyone had evacuated from my home, when everyone decided they wanted to stay well away from the sociopath of a teenager and the air poisoned with sorrow, I sat in the middle of my brother's room, opened his heavy mahogany trunk that contained all of our photos, all of our objects we had collected and jokes we had shared that no one else would ever understand, no one else would ever find. All of our memories, memories that I had taken for granted, memories that could never be replaced or remade, and I slammed the lid down on my bare palm. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$21:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$23:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$24:0"I stuffed my scarf in my mouth before I got the chance to scream at the pain. My hand had broken in three places, one for my brother, one for me and one for the murderer who snatched him away. A slow, steady trickle of blood ran down my middle finger and splashed on one of the letters we'd send to each other through the hole in the wall when we were infants. I didn't need the hole in the wall any more, the hole in my chest was large enough. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$25:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$27:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$28:0"My hand took an entire month to heal, for I refused to let my parents fuss over me, I refused to let anyone try and heal me the way they could have for my brother. And I refused to speak to them for two weeks straight. I refused to speak to anyone for two weeks straight. It's not like I had a best friend to console in, it's not like I had a best friend that would comfort me and tell me everything would be okay. My best friend was dead. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$29:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial,  
sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$31:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$32:0"I still sleep in his room, I still sleep in his favourite hoodie, pretending it's his embrace. The few times my mother has tried to coax me into sleeping in my own room, I've stood up, walked straight past my mother to the front door and sat on the swinging seat on the porch where my brother and I would relax after a long day of school, talking about everything and nothing all at once. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$33:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$34:0"My mother eventually stopped trying to get me to sleep in my room, and both of my parents stopped looking at me as if I were the one who murdered him, and instead looked at me as if they could see right through me, right down to my core. I hated that stare. I hated it because I could see how empty I looked in the reflection of their cloudy eyes. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$35:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$37:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$38:0"Sitting on the porch now, longing for one of those mindless conversations, wrapped in my brother's duvet and sipping on a mug of coffee, I can remember watching him in his beautifully morbid coffin, his auburn hair perfectly placed around his head in a way he would've detested, clad in a suit that he'd sooner use for kindle than wear in public. I know how much he'd hate to be in that coffin, I know how much he'd hate the photos and flowers and candles and speeches in his memoir, I know how much he'd hate to have been known as a "good man." /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$39:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$41:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$42:0"My brother wasn't a good man. My brother was barely a man. My brother was an extraordinary mind, full of ideas and enough creativity to stand the world on two legs. He was a loving soul, who'd sometimes smile for the both of us, who'd hold me in his hands so tight it was like I was water and he was afraid I'd slip through his fingers. He was a beautiful face, a beauty that ran right through his body to his very core. My brother was no mere man. What an awfully stupid misunderstanding./spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$43:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$45:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$46:0"The day of the funeral, I'd planned on wearing the sparkling eagle broach my brother had given me on my tenth birthday along with my bright blue scarf, because I know how much he'd laugh at the irony if I had worn bright blue to a funeral. The thought distracted me and made me laugh, but my father screamed at me until I removed the scarf and broach, and I was no longer smiling as reality's talons clawed down my back and pierced my heart. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$47:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$49:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$50:0"The porch gave a wail as someone stepped on it and my mother appeared In front of me, blocking my view of the crops my brother and I would run through and hide in before bedtime, just to steal some extra minutes of childhood. "I brought you some hot cocoa." She smiled sweetly. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$51:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$52:0"I murmured in response and took the cup from her hand. It was warm against my cold skin. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$53:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$54:0"She sat beside me and the porch swing shuddered. I snapped my head toward the rusty springs, the springs my brother was supposed to oil and mend. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$55:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$57:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$58:0"There was a minute of silence between us, before my mother blew a sigh out of her nose, leaned foreword, stroked my auburn hair - identical to my brother's, as well as our emerald eyes, most people mistook us for twins - and asked, "do you want a hug?" /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$59:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap;  
background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$60:0"I always refused affection. I only wished for my brother's embrace, "no."/spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$61:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$62:0"She twirled my hair with two fingers, "okay, do you need a hug? Because I do."/spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$63:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$64:0"Tears now lining my eyes, I ferociously rubbed at them until they were raw. I would not cry. Even as my mother's frail arms wrapped around my lanky body, even as her soft hair, a shade darker than my brother's and mine brushed my cheek, I would not cry. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$65:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$67:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$68:0""I know you miss him. We all miss him." She whispered into my ear./spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$69:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$70:0""Miss does not do justice for what I feel." I grumbled./spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$71:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$72:0"She leaned back enough to look at me, "well, why don't you tell me what you feel? There's no use in keeping it all in, you'll drive yourself insane." /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$73:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$74:0""I'm already insane." /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$75:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$76:0""emAilish/em." /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$77:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$78:0"I sighed and looked at her, tears threatening to come. "You really want to know what I feel? Nothing. I feel nothing. When Robyn was here, I was a fire, we were both one magnificent fire, burning as bright as the sun. But now his fire is out. And I'm left with barely an ember." Even speaking Robyn's name sent my stomach to my throat. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$79:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$80:0"She smiled tightly as a single tear rolled down her cheek, "you always were such poets, you two." She brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$81:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$82:0"I looked down at the book in my lap. emThe Complete Works of William Shakespeare/em. Robyn's heart and soul were in this book, his prized possession. At least he shall finally have the chance to meet old Shakespeare, as mindless and complex as him. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$83:0" /br style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$85:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$86:0""It'll get better-" my mother began to reassure me./spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$87:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$88:0""No it won't. It won't get better, the hole in my chest won't go away. I'll just get used to it." I said, staring at that gruesome field that I couldn't stand to look at any longer. /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$89:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$90:0"I looked back at my mother and something had broken. She was grieving my grief. I'd have forced a smile if I had the will to care, but I didn't. So instead I said, "It hurts." /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$91:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$92:0"She stood up, started toward the screen door and just before she walked through, she turned back to me and said, "I know." /spanbr style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$93:0" /span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3599996566772px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #dbedfe;" data-reactid=".2i.$mid=11421877362205=23aaba488534887af15.2:.0.0.$end:0:$94:0"I didn't have to see her face to know she was crying./span/p


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